I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
