1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
