I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
