Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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