My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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