a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
