my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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