Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
