I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize