just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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