the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
