just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
