My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
