after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
