is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
