she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
