we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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