she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
