And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
