Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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