would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize