She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
