someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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