a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We got so high we made milksteak
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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