My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My vagina is officially offended.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
