He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
