Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
