Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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