dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
