Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
