look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
