also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
