I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
