Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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