I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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