can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
