i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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