I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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