Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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