true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
