We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
