I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
