omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
