Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
