I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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