I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
