dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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