I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
