I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
