I'm going to jail i love you
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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