Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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