At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He did a backflip because drugs
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