I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
