Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
