I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
